Chapter 3 - Wedding Collapse and the Japanese Contingent

An alert Fishie asked about the allusion to the ambulance at the wedding:

The ambulance was summoned when boss' mom collapsed after the ceremony, outside during the photo shoot. No apparent rhyme nor reason for that episode, but at the same time, it strangely seemed to fit right in, KWIM?

Good thing there were 500 pieces of chicken, cause it gave the guests something to do while they waited the 1 1/2 hrs it took to send the medics packing and finish the wedding pics.

(See, I told not to ask. It wasn't that exciting.)

Jan requested additional disclosure on nephew's girlfriend's roommate and friends: "BTW, you have GOT to tell the story of the Japanese newcomers! I must hear more!" So I obliged:

What WAS much more entertaining was the night of the bridal shower. It was mid-October. We'd just come off a week at work that had involved planning and carrying out a major day-long community event. Other than the boss, there were two full-time employees in our office, and one part-timer. This had been our SIXTH major event since mid-June, all orchestrated and executed by the same skeleton crew. Biting off more than we could chew was an understatement. And now, even though it wasn't technically MY deal, there was this wedding looming. I was mentally exhausted, and secretly, I was absolutely GIDDY to be going to a party hosted by someone ELSE, where there was a possibility I wouldn't have to lift a finger. SWEET.

As I was on my way to the shower, I got a call from the boss' sister, asking me to let the folks at the shower know that their vehicle had broken down, she was calling from a pay phone because they had no cell reception, and they were stranded at a Wal-Mart about 20 miles from where I was, which happened to be about 45-50 miles from the shower location. And of course, in the opposite direction.

Nevertheless, I couldn't let sis miss her only brother's bridal shower...wait, that sounds wrong. At any rate, I told them I was on my way to pick them up, driving dh's mini van. As I'm driving, I'm mentally doing the math, and at some point it dawns on me that my van will hold seven average-sized folks. I'm one, of course , which leaves six spots...and I'm on my way to pick up boss' sister, and another sister, and boss' dad, and sis' three sons (the SHORTEST of whom is 6'7") and eldest son's girlfriend. Total of eight people, three of which are decidedly NOT average-sized folks. Gonna be tight.

So I arrive at the Wal-Mart and at the EXACT same time as I pull in the parking lot, this carload of Asian individuals pulls up. In the Wal-Mart parking lot. Where quite possibly, no Japanese person has ever before set foot. Certainly not a whole carload full.

They hop out, looking like they took a wrong turn across the Pond from a Tokyo nightclub. Fishnet hose, miniskirts, layered tanks, lots of glittery eye makeup, asymmetrical haircuts on the girls. Dress shirt & black tie, leather pants and loafers on the one boy, garnet-colored sateen jacket, black silk t-shirt, designer jeans & Chuck Taylor's on the other. Both have SHINY spiky hair that seems to defy gravity. I'm pretty mesmerized, because after all, this is not everyday fare in Podunkville, USA. People in the parking lot stop and stare.

Girlfriend introduces us. This is XXX, (who I'm sorry to say, possesses a name I can neither pronounce nor spell, not even phonetically, so she will remain XXX) and her three friends with equally impossible handles. Nice to meet you. Oh, they don't really speak English, but they UNDERSTAND quite a bit. Lots of giggling and bowing.

They had gotten directions and been enroute to the "big city" 35 miles away to spend an evening out on the town. But they'd needed to drop by a Wal-Mart, and there was this one, the one I'd just happened to pull into to pick up XXX's roommate. (And yep, you read that right. TOTAL COINCIDENCE that they had pulled into this small-town Wal-Mart where XXX's roommate was stranded. TOTAL COINCIDENCE that they pulled up right next to my van. They were just parking in the lot so they could run in to the store. )

Well these cosmopolitan jet-setters somehow decided that it would be more thrilling to accompany some locals to a bridal shower than it would to go clubbing. So they decided to FOLLOW us to the shower. Outstanding, fall in line.

While these plans were being hatched, boss' dad, who is a chain smoker, decided that he couldn't possibly survive without a cig the entire hour's drive to the shower. Since our family has allergy issues, and don't allow smoking in our vehicles (yawn) he decided we needed to drive him home (an ADDITIONAL 15 miles-still in the opposite direction) so that he and one of the daughters could pick up another vehicle where he could smoke like a chimney in peace. Dandy, anything to keep it OUT of my van.

A side benefit was that it would reduce my van's occupancy by two, to a completely-legal six passengers. Cool. Dad was delivered home and fell gasping out of the van to light up. 6'11" son, who'd been folded up in the way-back of the van unkinked himself and treated his butt to a real seat.

The Japanese folks' Honda was firmly planted just behind my rear bumper at boss' dad's house, and we couldn't make them understand that they'd need to BACK out of the driveway. We were laughing hysterically, which didn't help the translation, but we finally decided to just four-wheel it forward and circle onto the road through the neighbors' yard. Some things are just too hard. They followed.

As we sped down the interstate, by now nearly an hour late for the shower, girlfriend got a call from the Japanese delegation. They were hungry and had to pee. Could we please stop? I had been contemplating our Japanese friends for the last 20 miles, and was having anxiety tremors thinking about trying to navigate them wordlessly through the next 30 miles of city construction areas I knew were upcoming, through the tricky turns, traffic lights, etc. Not looking fun. I was WISHING for MY car, the one I'd left at home -- a big white 15 passenger van. I'd load the whole lot of us up in THAT puppy, and make SURE we all got to the same place at the same time!

So we exited at the next interchange, which happened to be relatively near my home base, but sadly, not near enough to justify spending another 1/2 hour driving back and forth to pick up my van. But, what was that at the Burger King? A white 15 passenger van! But it wasn't mine.

Fortunately, the 15 passenger parked next door, at Arby's, WAS my van. Dh had taken the boys out for supper, so by whatever stroke of weird coincidence that was, we left the Japanese kids' car in the Arby's lot, and I was able to transport all 10 of us together. Well, plus a few. The three of us who were originally invited to the all-female shower, plus the three boss' nephews who were invited on the fly after the party attendance suddenly tanked, plus the four Japanese rock stars on their bizarre field trip into middle-class American cultural tradition. Oh, and plus my three eldest boys, friends of the nephews, who had been at the restaurant with their dad, got curious and didn't want to miss a moment of whatever might happen next with our motley, mismatched crew.

And you pretty much know the story AT the shower. Oh, another notable was the wedding dress the Japanese folks made out of toilet paper during the shower game. That thing was beautiful. Seriously. Those kids were DESIGNERS. I had no idea origami extended to toilet paper. You shoulda seen the FLOWER on that one-shouldered dress. Wish I had a picture to share. Ah well.

Anyway, we all laughed pretty much all the way to the shower, and all the way back. Because that's the kind of story you can TELL, but nobody'd ever believe actually happened to you. Like Dr. Suess' Mulberry Street, man. With a bride, a groom, a derelict vehicle, a chain smoker, 7 ft tall teenagers, random male guests and natty, artistic Asian strangers who giggle and bow.

Sara asked for a little clarification: Oh, and did I understand correctly that your boss had his non-profit ministry pay for the 500 pieces of chicken for his own wedding reception?

Oh, no. Really, that was a personal check. Now how it came to be filled out, signed and placed conspicuously on my computer keyboard, I don't know... Boss is not normally someone who plans that far ahead.

You don't think I was being taken for granted, do you?

And thanks girls, for giving my stories kudos. I was just trying to tell it descriptively so you'd feel you were "there." C'mon, funny stuff happens to you all too, I know it, right??!

And I could NEVER put this stuff out for just ANYONE to read. In spite of their eccentric, bizarre behavior, I really do love these guys. Well, in Pregzilla's case, bump that down to a highly uncomfortable fondness. And I'm NOT going to the shower (but I might hear stories ) and I'm SURE I won't get a delivery-room ticket, but I won't leave ya hangin, either, I promise.

I'd be MORTIFIED if they (or anyone else, for that matter) ever ever actually made positive ID on these people in anything they read.