Appendix I: The Official Pregzilla FAQ

I have realized that in an effort to provide you with accurate reporting, I have totally dissed most of your questions.

1.Are you absolutely sure that these are real people that you are telling us about???????? I could supply you with their names, addresses and cell numbers, but then, of course, I’d have to kill you.

2.Honestly... Really..... Seriously ?? As a heart attack.

3. Were there any wagers placed on how long it would be before Bridezilla now Pregzilla would turn into Ex-zilla? There have been none. Their bloodlines seem to have quite a bit of forbearance for misery. Let’s just suffice it to say that Pregzilla’s parents don’t appear to be any longer in a state of wedded bliss, but claim the same mailing address. Boss’ folks don’t even live in the same town, yet are still legally husband and wife. So I think there’s a tremendous precedent here to stick with the routine regardless of degree of difficulty.

4.Is she his trophy wife? He THOUGHT she was his trophy wife, but it was an optical illusion. Once the first trimester nausea set in, the makeup came off.

5.Please tell me there was a prenup? Well…..each of them began this adventure flat broke, so there’s noplace to go but up. Hard to exceed the credit limits on charge cards you can’t get. I'm guessing that if one of them cleaned out the bank accounts and ran off with the money, they’d be able to get maybe as far as the state line, after all the ER and immediate care visits of the last several months. I’m just saying.

6.I hope you're printing this out for his next wife to read and laugh hysterically at. This is not really a question, but it deserves an answer anyway. Hork! (Can I borrow that, Natty?) If you were a prospective spouse, wouldn’t just the first installment of this mess make you want to run far, far away???

7.Did he really think she would be good wife? Yes, naturally. He didn’t consider himself able to pick anything but the perfect mate.

8.What were they doing in the car at that Speedway? Calculating their gas mileage???

9.Although, considering the courtship, engagement and impending new spawn, Speedway is somewhat fitting, is it not? Hadn’t thought about it, but that’s an excellent point!

10.Did the van thing, at the Arby’s, REALLY happen? Scouts’ honor. And I had even left supper for my sons at home with Dh ; they just decided on a whim that they’d rather have a boys night out at the very restaurant that the Japanese students happened to request along the 72 mile journey (I just Mapquested it. Shoooeee, I didn't know it was that far!) to the bridal shower. No cell phone coordination of plans, no preknowledge of itinerary. So you see, it was DESTINY that we transported our Asian visitors, and company, to that party.

11.When exactly is Pregzilla due? Officially, August 7. Her OB happens to also be MY doctor, so I don’t think they’d be bold enough to fudge the date for fear I’d find out somehow.

12.What if she's planting the early delivery seed because she was already pregnant(not by her Dh)?? Hmmm. Planting the seed. Clever play on words there. You know, that possibility had never crossed my mind until you mentioned it. But….. Nah, couldn’t be.………. Hmmmm……. No, surely not……????

13.Is he planning on a paternity test? I mean, stranger things have happened, but I really, truly think this baby’s gotta be his.

14.I wonder who raised her??? Pregzilla, unfortunately was raised by people who still, although she is broke and pregnant with her first child, call HER for financial assistance and moral support. And so was Boss. So you can kind of see where their behavior might actually be a step UP from the lives they’ve known.

15.I wonder how her child is going to turn out??? So do I. Lamentably, I already have a gut feeling. Where’s the alien graemlin?

16.How long have you been working for this guy? A couple of years, although we’ve known him a few longer than that.

17.Has being around him always been this...ummm...well, the word "crazy" just doesn't seem to fit...how about challenging, hilarious, chaotic and somehow dysfunctional? Absolutely. (Brilliant choice of adjectives, BTW. My job in a nutshell. ) There’s never a dull moment. I feel like “Miss Jane” from the Beverly Hillbillies.

18.OMG how do you work for this man day in and day out? Okay, I know this will make NO sense, but if you all actually MET him, I’d wager 95% of you would LIKE him. He doesn’t make a deeply weird first impression, oddly enough. And he’s a seriously nice guy…. Oh, crap, I can’t explain it.

19.Are you paid well for your job? You mean, like, with money?? That would be a negative, Ghostrider, and I can’t tell you my hourly wage because Boss forbids it. But since a great degree of my job satisfaction comes from the entertainment value, I consider myself handsomely compensated. Wouldn’t you?

20.Do you have to laugh alone or do any other employees tag along? During times of extreme outlandishness, we try not to make eye contact. The radically flaky nature of these characters is the elephant in the room that nobody talks about. Sometimes we do catch each other with gobsmacked looks on our faces, though. Yeah. Gobsmacked. Look that up.

21.What makes him think he should be given free carpeting? Oh, you’ve no idea. The bigger question is why WOULDN’T anyone want to give him free carpeting? This guy is just charming. He secured free rent on the building that houses our non-profit headquarters. The owner is THRILLED to provide it. His three bedroom residence? Free rent from that owner too, just because he’s a great guy. I could go on and on. And honestly, he makes a REAL clear delineation between tax-deductible donations to the non-profit and any personal gifts to himself. People just like giving this guy stuff.

22.When are you going to write the next chapter? Well, I do have a job. And I certainly can’t crank out these stories on my WORK computer. Neither can I stay home JUST to write, and come to think of it, if I did, I’d run out of material for the Pregzilla Chronicles in short order.

23.Are you sure this isn't just a screenplay for an absurd comedy and we're the unwitting test subjects? Oh, boy, do I wish I could make a living off this story. But alas, it’s just my highly amusing life, which will remain just between us password-enabled Fishies – unless possibly sanitized by the passage of many years, or the parting of the ways, or some sort of author protection program. Maybe I should call Salman Rushdie?

24.What will I ever do to keep myself entertained until the next installment? Don’t worry, I still have several Boss & Pregzilla chapters under my hat, all I need is time to flesh them out so that you can see what I saw….

So, until next time…. (Seriously you guys, I’m having so much fun just describing this for you all! I've been bursting with these stories for MONTHS with no one to tell them to but Dh!! So thank YOU!! )