Chapter 1.5: Pregzilla: The Baby Shower Update

After all that stressing over what to say in an email reply to the tasteless invitation to Pregzilla's self-inflicted baby shower, I ended up being able to casually deliver my regrets in person at a ballgame. Whew.

I've said it before, but I really think she had NO notion that hosting a shower for herself was unseemly. Her husband was clueless, and her female in-laws seemed content to let her hang herself with her own rope . Heck, they HELPED!

And just for the record, those in my circle who accepted her invitation apparently WERE asked to pitch in a food item for the refreshment table. (I munched on leftover relish tray with Pregzilla's SIL at lunchtime yesterday. )

But, back to the ballgame. Pregzilla had been out of the public eye for a while, so she fielded several inquiries about her well-being during the game. Dh sat next to me, listening, until he couldn't keep a straight face anymore. Here's some of what she said, and keep in mind it was all said to people who have offspring of their own, and know better, which made it all the funnier:

"He's already nearly 12 inches. He's going to be really tall when he's born." That's right. TALL -- when he's BORN.

"At 30 weeks, the doctor said he was almost 4 pounds. There's no way I'll make it to my due date -- he'll come WAY early, I'm thinking mid-to-late July." Now, I'm not saying she won't go early, but what does the 4 pounds have to do with it? If her "little man" gains an ounce per day from now until her due date, he'll weigh about 8 pounds. Yep, ladies do birth 8+ lb babies, and yes Pregzilla, sometimes bigger ones. And sometimes, those big babies are LATE, not early. Ask the woman sitting behind you, who was a week overdue when she delivered her by no means recordbreaking 9.5 lb firstborn.

Back at the game, right on the heels of telling us about her 4 pound mammoth, Pregzilla regaled us with, "I've gained 40 pounds, but as you can see (smoothing down her shirt), it's all baby." This is where my dh excused himself so he could go double over with laughter in seclusion. The party with whom she was conversing just nodded numbly as they backed off and crept away. There were no words.

Pregzilla made a comment to the bleachers at large about how difficult it has been, but how worth it, to eat exclusively organically for the sake of the baby. (I wasn't aware that Taco Bell, Burger King and Chick-Fil-A have gone green, but I guess they must have.) And she's been drinking ONLY pure spring water - said as she was toasting a SIL with a Dasani, which in case you don't know, is bottled municipal filtered tap water. Hoo boy.

On to the baby shower, the details of which are few. There were a handful of people there. It went "okay." No further comment from the in-laws, which means it must have been a disappointment. From Boss' family came the $200 pack-n-play on the registry. The sole "large" gift. Only a smattering of the 2,000 diapers she requested, and an even smaller percentage of the 25,000 wipes. Seems some guests didn't get the memo and Pregzilla's spawn has experienced some degree of wardrobe growth in spite of her efforts to head it off.

I do think there was some fallout from Pregzilla throwing her own shindig. Boss, who I think is still clueless, mentioned on Monday the stress of having to deal with some unhappy family members "48 hours ago", which would have been just before the shower. Whether it was Pregzilla on a tear or genealogically obligated guests incensed with the ill-advised debacle, I'm not quite sure. Poor Boss.