Chapter 17 – Pregzilla Delivers!

(I'm absolutely SURE there will be more info coming about the blessed event, but here's what I know so far:)


Birthdate: August 1, 2008, 9:05 p.m. (5 days and 3 hours before his due date)

Vitals: 8 lb., 2.6 oz., 22 inches (tall)

OH. MY. GOSH. After all that I’ve seen and heard about over the last 10 months, I thought I’d be prepared for whatever was likely to occur during/after the birth of Boss’ and Pregzilla’s Little Man. Now that the madness has begun in earnest, I have realized that there was no way anyone COULD be prepared…


Zilla’s water broke at home on Friday midmorning. Boss was at a meeting in the city. He had ridden with our organization’s VP, so after Zilla’s frantic cell call , they sped back to Boss’ place. Boss scurried to get the bags in the vehicle and Zilla loaded, just like in the movies. They arrived at the hospital where the details I have now become a little sketchy, but I do know that someone picked up the grandmothers – neither of whom drive, and dropped them off at the hospital to be a part of the labor room support team.


As I’ve mentioned before, Boss’ family is pretty tight, so it wasn’t long before his whole clan had set up camp in the waiting room of labor & delivery. They were all expecting that, as in past family birth experiences, they’d each get a chance to casually visit in turn with the prospective parents, and then after the delivery, be invited in to meet the new family member as soon as it was practical. That’s just the way they do things. It’s nice, it’s friendly, it’s inclusive……and it was TOTALLY not a part of Zilla’s birth plan.


Zilla decided that there would, in addition to the medical staff, be three and only three other people allowed in the birthing suite. Boss, Zilla’s mom and Boss’ mom. Boss’ mom was allowed in only because Boss specifically had requested/demanded it. Zilla had conceded as long as Boss’ mom would take care of the video footage. I found that extremely interesting, because if you knew Boss’ mom, she is probably one of the last people on the planet you would choose to enlist to video ANYTHING, let alone an important event like a birth. So the fact that Boss had slid her into the room in the capacity of videographer was amazing, because having high-quality video is typically SO important to Boss. It also showed what I imagined to be Boss’ desperation to get a ticket for his mom. That must have been the ONLY way Zilla was letting her through the door.


In fact, one of Boss’ sisters had offered to video so that Boss’ mom could relax (an oxymoron, if you know Boss’ mom, who doesn’t relax about ANYthing) and enjoy the birth of her new grandchild. No dice, and no thank you. Zilla did permit the entrance of a minister and his wife early on for a short time, and this peeved Boss’ family even more. Why, those people weren’t even FAMILY, and they weren’t even from Boss’ and Zilla’s church, Boss’ family sniped. But still, they waited, sure that when all was said and done, and labor was ended, they’d be allowed in to meet the baby and spend time with the new family.


By evening, Zilla had spiked a low grade fever, and when it came time to push, she tuckered out quickly. The OB decided to use vacuum extraction to deliver the baby. There are so many double entendres that could describe this dynamic course of action, but none of them are very polite or politically correct, so we’ll just say that Little Man was eventually sucked out of Zilla’s loins. He had a brief breathing issue, but was soon hale and hearty with a strong set of lungs. After a short stay in the nursery for observation and his first bath, where Boss’ family was able to snap some pictures through the glass, he was returned to his parents.


And still the family waited. As the medical team had attended to Zilla, and the neonatal staff had cared for the baby in the nursery, Boss had jovially visited with his family. After it was clear that everything was going well, Boss disappeared into Zilla’s room, promising to be “right back.” The family said they heard the sound of a baby crying inside the room, and realized that Boss and Zilla were watching the birth video together. THE WHOLE THING. The baby was eventually brought in, and the new family had some time alone together.

And still, the family waited. After quite a while, Boss reemerged from the room, reporting that Zilla and the baby were resting, thanks for coming, and they’d see them all soon. Bye. Anticlimax, to the max, especially after they’d all spent all day at the hospital, and it was now after midnight. Mad is another word I heard bandied about during the recounting.


I talked to our organization’s VP on Saturday morning. He was on his way to the hospital for a visit. I got the lowdown on that visit this morning at work. I really didn’t expect to hear ANYTHING juicy from VP, as he’s always VERY discreet, but the first words out of his mouth after his greeting to me, and asking me if I’d seen the baby yet – I haven’t – was to tell me that the little guy is very cute; oh, and Zilla is NUTS. Poor Boss. He's in for a long haul. Whaaaaaaaaat???


Yep. Nuts. VP is baby-saavy enough not to touch a newborn without the mom’s permission, but I guess when he bent down (not even very close) to get a good look at the baby’s face, Zilla gasped and whipped the babe over on the other side of her, AWAY from VP. Okay, he chalked it up to new mom jitters….


And then, he said, the baby got the hiccups. Zilla went into hysterics, shrieking at Boss to go get the nurse. VP said you would have thought the baby was choking to death. VP, an experienced dad, tried to calm Zilla down and explain that hiccups in newborns are pretty common and normal, and not dangerous, and they bother the parents more than they bother the baby. Boss was soaking up the wisdom appreciatively, but Zilla wasn’t having any of it. She kept frantically yelping at Boss until he got up and sprinted out in the hallway to flag down a nurse. Disaster averted, I guess.


VP mentioned to me that Zilla needs an experienced mother to mentor her and help her deal with the stresses of new motherhood. No kidding?! And that I’d be a good one for that job. Nope, nothing doing. Whoa. I wouldn’t touch that with a ten-foot pole. Not with Zilla. Not unless I saw a total 180° change in her way of thinking. I’m compassionate, but I’m not crazy. Thanks for the vote of confidence just the same, though.


Zilla and the babe were released from the hospital late Sunday night. Family gathered at Boss’ house to welcome them home, figuring that surely, now that they were out of the hospital, Zilla would soften and let them have a crack at holding, or at least TOUCHING the baby. They were dreaming once again. NOBODY but Zilla and Boss hold the baby. NOBODY. Nobody but Zilla and Boss touch the baby. No exceptions. One of the seven-foot nephews reported that Zilla stiff-armed him when he passed too close to the baby during the welcome home assembly, and again when he awkwardly attempted to give Zilla a customary goodbye hug when they all gave up on ever getting ahold of the baby and left to go home. No warm embraces of thankfulness for the siblings’ presence and support during labor from Zilla, and DEFINITELY no sweet baby nuzzles. Step AWAY from the baby. Shoot, step AWAY from Zilla!


Boss called during our staff meeting at the office this morning. Since they just got home from the hospital last night, he wasn’t in the office today. VP predicts that we won’t be seeing much of Boss for SOME time to come; that Zilla will be keeping Boss pretty busy waiting on her and Babezilla. I’ll have to admit, Boss sounded REALLY frazzled on the speakerphone. He said the baby is doing well, but Zilla is in lots of pain. They had just been to the doctor for her. Really? Less than 12 hours after she was released from the hospital? What a surprise! But everything is normal, and there are no problems with Zilla’s recovery. Just her nagging pain. (And his. And ours. ) Again, what a surprise.


In a wicked moment, VP asked when Boss and Zilla would be bringing the baby in to the office so that everyone could hold it and snuggle with it. I couldn’t BELIEVE he asked that, but how entertaining! Since Boss was on the speakerphone on his end as well as ours, we were all nobly muffling our guffaws of helpless laughter so Zilla wouldn’t hear. We didn’t want either her or Boss to suspect that the staff was already swapping shocking stories about her Momzilla ways, complete with references to John Travolta and the Boy in the Plastic Bubble. And all this with the poor babe yet less than three days old! Boss would say only that the little family would pay the office a visit “in time.” I’m not holding my breath, how about you? Well, on second thought, maybe we SHOULD hold our breaths after all, ALL OF US, since we all share the same atmosphere with the sterile Babezilla.


Okay, I know I gotta go see that kid, and soon , but how discomfiting it will be to be in the presence of a perfectly healthy newborn that I can’t touch, no matter how well I scrub up. I LOVE babies, new ones most especially, and that’s just going to be so weird for me. I think maybe I’ll take along the sign-language books Zilla asked me about a few months ago, (Little Man’s going to learn sign language.) and the “What to Expect” books I dug out of my collection for her. And a nice little baby gift (but not clothes, of course). Anybody know where I can pick up a good used autoclave in a Noah’s Ark pattern?