Chapter 13 – Pregzilla: Hold the Phone

Yes. Yes. I HAVE rethought my commitment to our organization, many, many times. These bizarre episodes that I share with you are typically short-lived, and it is SO cathartic to journal them here, by the way. Thank you. Boss will have some knee-jerky reaction to a situation and make a peculiar snap decision that benefits no one in the long run, and hurts an essential someone's feelings in the short run. It just happens. Over and over. And he means NOTHING by it. He just has a total blind spot in this area of his people skills.

Where the staff is concerned, Boss knows our hearts, knows we're there to serve...but then when he wants things to go in a slightly new direction, like auditing all the accounts to make sure everything is decent and in order (which I presume is what HIS part in the password-swiping incident involved); he forgets who he's discussed things with and....commences the demolition before he's evacuated the building, so to speak.

I've experienced mental whiplash more than a few times since coming to work there. Most recently, he decided to reassign “my” computer to our newest staff member, whom I’ll call “Eddie.” I was off on the day Boss made the decision, Eddie needed to use a program that was installed on “my” machine, his need for that program was determined to be ongoing, so Boss called me at home, asked for my network password and notified me that there was an “adjustment”: “my” laptop was no longer mine, but would be given to Eddie. Yep. Just like that. Some nameless donor had coincidentally offered to bring in an unspecified computer (of what size or suitability we were unsure) and set it up for me at some nebulous time in the future. No hurry, bro, it’s not like I need a computer to do my JOB or anything!

In the end, clearer heads prevailed. Eddie, bless his heart, talked Boss OUT of modifying my setup, and a new laptop was purchased especially for him. I heard this third-hand, though. Boss has never spoken again about the matter to me, “We changed our minds, and decided it was better to just get Eddie a new machine, so you just keep your laptop,” or anything like that, just to make sure he touched base with me and I felt informed, as he would surely HAVE done, incidentally, in his pre-Zilla days. He just jetted on to the next issue. No offense meant, but it’s a real stretch not to TAKE offense, I’ll be honest. But I do try. There’s no “I” in TEAM, and all that rot. I know, particularly with Pregzilla and the new baby coming, he’s got a lot on his plate. Sigh.

So, back to Zilla’s and my first simultaneous day on the job, and the main reason why the near-rage of the two previous chapters’ affronts to me kind of ebbed. As I was in the midst of recording the financial disorder she had imposed on our bank accounts, Zilla shut Boss’ office door and proceeded to make a phone call. As a faithful, circumspect employee of this organization, I take great care NOT to eavesdrop on private telephone calls. No self-praise here, just truth. But when the volume of the thing escalates to a high-pitched WHINE, there’s no way to avoid overhearing. And besides, one-sided though it was, I found the chat riveting.

I somehow instinctively knew who she was talking with, even before Zilla said her name. It was an out-of-state mentor she’d been assigned by Boss when all her bosom friends forsook her. As if she were in a doctor’s exam room, Zilla complained first about her honeymoon bladder infection and resultant pelvic rest, then covered the unique and fabulous news of her painful ovulation (without calling it that, of course ), then grumbled about the awful cold she had developed, how ill she had felt ever since the wedding, and how sick and tired she was of being sick and tired.

With each new disclosure, Zilla’s pitch got a little higher, a little more emotional, and a little more audible. When she paused, snuffling softly, I knew that the woman on the other end was offering some herbal, homeopathic, naturopathic solutions to Zilla’s ailments. She prescribed several dosages of activated charcoal, which I knew was gonna go over like….well, like what they are. Burnt wood slushies. Yum.

After discussing the health of Zilla, I guess the mentor next asked after the health of Zilla’s marriage. That’s when the real waterworks began. I kept my nose to my computer screen, but I could hear the sobs intensifying behind me. Sooooo many women……soooo much history. Um, yeah. You just bought the VALUE sized bottle of romantic history there, savvy consumer. And considering his dating life has been at least TWICE as long as yours, I think you probably should have seen that one coming. Caveat emptor; let the buyer beware.

She’d also made a jarring discovery, even while the honeymoon was yet still in progress. Boss continued to greet females and males alike with the same extroverted enthusiasm he did before the wedding. Which meant that he would hug people, touch people, find out about people’s personal lives. Now SURELY she understood this about Boss before walking down the aisle in that blaze of backlit redneck glory. It’s spectacularly obvious that Boss is utterly devoted to people. And statistically, about half of all people are female. Soooooo, Boss continued to talk to chicks. Not in an “EYYYY BABEEEE!” way, just with the authentic compassion that is one of Boss’ trademarks. (And yeah, I say that even after the password thing, and the computer thing. ) Their waitress at Denny’s. That lady in the same aisle at Wal-Mart. Random forlorn females who looked like they needed a friend.

Zilla didn’t feel “special” to Boss, she whined LOUDLY, notwithstanding the intimate conjugal conversation that was carrying on between them. Somehow, it had escaped her observation that the level of considerate platonic attention that she had enjoyed during their fleeting engagement was not all that rare in his world. He really was that nice to EVERYBODY. Yet another remarkable fact she would no doubt have picked up had her courtship lasted longer than a mortgage payment grace period. (I winced at my desk outside the office. Did I really want to hear this? But I couldn't tear myself away. )

She recounted Boss’ lengthy phone directives of counsel and encouragement, not a few to people of the female persuasion; the endless stream of ladies of every age, shape and size that would hail Boss eagerly wherever he might roam. He knows an insane number of people, and Zilla was a lot overwhelmed by his popularity. He’d run into someone at the gas station that he hadn’t seen for awhile, and be subsequently an hour or two later getting home than Zilla was expecting. Drove poor Zilla craaaaaaazy. Even right now, he was engaged in an incessant meeting with someone besides her. And it was AFTER bankers’ hours. She didn’t sign on for this, she said. (OH yes you did, Honey, right after you sponged down Boss’ feet in that chip bowl. Saw it with my very own eyes. )

And THIS was why I had tried to talk Boss into a wedding deferral. To give them a little time to acquaint each another with their distinctive expectations and lifestyles, or even to cause the relationship to go kaput if it needed to do that. (And perhaps, that’s EXACTLY the method behind Boss’ madness in the rush to the altar. He didn’t want to give her a chance to see things differently and change her mind.) Accordingly, Zilla had NO idea what she was getting into. And as it turned out, neither did Boss. What they both THOUGHT they were getting into turned out to be a cruel mirage in the desert. A far-off vision of a lush, green, matrimonial oasis. A fairytale…..turned into a cautionary tale. If I hadn’t seen it already, it was pretty clear now. The handwriting on the wall again. This union was not gonna be easy. For any of us. Yikes.

Nattybananas post on FFD was so insightful and spot-on, I had to include it. Read on below:

The somewhat more subdued tone of the most recent installment is sobering. Truth is, some of the funniest things in life (Zilla drama) reflect some truly serious problems in life (employability potential, yo - and emotional stability and preparedness to handle having your first child!! Demanding lil buggers, aren't they - and they can't even tell you what's wrong, YOU HAVE TO TRY AND FIGURE IT OUT. Can you tell I've also been watching The Baby Borrowers?? Schadenfruende, I love you so.).

You are very patient. And you are very dedicated. And obviously there are myriad reasons for why you stay in your job.

Seems like the honeymoon is waaaaaaaaaaay over, though. Geez.

They decided to take the accelerated track to EVERYTHING - engagement, marriage, childrearing, and the foundation to EVERY relationship - the rude awakening and advent of reality.

I somehow don't think they will get divorced. And if they do, things will have to get WAY super uglier, and it will be a meltdown of proportions even beyond Zilla's. I shouldn't laugh. Seems like Boss would have a lot of pride and such tied up in having a beautiful wife and a wonderful marriage. Having been a bachelor for so long, it's understandably a huge adjustment. They just didn't give themselves enough time to form a solid relationship, and find their identities within that relationship, and be all stable, before having everything else thrown at them.

Like others, I cannot WAIT until the last month of pregnancy and until she delivers. Hoo boy.