Chapter 23 – Pregzilla: On the Road

Boss always has such impeccable timing. I wish. Characteristically, he makes grandiose plans, assigns a bunch of details, and gets a project JUST to the point where the presence, orchestration and input of the CEO would be indispensable, and then…..he cuts a trail.


That’s why it was so predictable, yet maddeningly baffling about a month ago, when Boss announced that he, Zilla and the baby would be taking a week-long vacation, JUST before a major organizational event. A fundraiser whose preparations absolutely SCREAMED for his participation in order to be successful. The demands of preparing for the event would absolutely PROHIBIT him going ANYwhere.


So, of course they WERE going, and planned to return in plenty of time. In plenty of time for what, you ask? In plenty of time to help with the important phone calls? In time to assist with site planning and set up? In time to make last-minute executive decisions? No. In time to arrive, all but squealing sideways into the parking lot on two wheels, a half hour LATE for the beginning of the event itself. Knowing Boss, we expected it, but we were still livid. But that’s later…


When I first caught wind of the upcoming trip, I considered the whole concept of a family vacation quite curious, because the baby was JUST shy of nine weeks old, and apart from the parents, a smattering of relatives and the previously noted doctors and nurses, nobody had held or even seen baby Izzy. (Thank you, Yakki! I just LOVE this name for the baby , I think, perhaps interchangeably with Speedway. It just is so cute, and so appropriate for this precious little mystery man – Izzy sick? Izzy crying? Izzy spitting up? Izzy sleeping? Izzy got crazy parents? Izzy REAL? Is he Izzy? Izzy? LOVE IT! )


Just a few days prior to their departure, Sis had gotten to hold Izzy for the first time. She had stopped off at Boss’ house on an errand and was allowed in the house, and then invited to cradle the infant in her arms for a brief moment. Tall nephew, it was reported was granted permission to actually TOUCH the baby. For real. Once. He got to give Izzy a pat on his little back.


I just can’t imagine. Sis was beaming in the afterglow of snuggling her young nephew, but I could tell the experience had been bittersweet for her. Sis had been one of the relatives who had posted the vigil outside labor and delivery when Izzy was born. Had waited patiently to see the baby after delivery, and then been unceremoniously shut out without warning. FOR EIGHT WEEKS.


Sis had told us that Zilla was determined to follow the pediatrician’s most conservative recommendation: “It’s safest not to take the baby into big crowds until about six to eight weeks.” Obviously, Zilla interpreted “big crowds” to include any number of people other than herself and/or Boss. Remember, it was three weeks before even the grandmas got a crack at Izzy. Sis had been the very first aunt to get to hold the baby, over a month after that. Crazy, in my opinion. (Sharing my babies with loved ones has always been one of my most treasured aspects of the newborn stage, and I’m sorry that Boss’ family - and even the nefarious Zilla - had to miss that. )


VP informed me of Zilla's absolute INSISTENCE that Boss make good on some previous discussion regarding a family get-away. Veep said Boss had finally conceded and, unfortunately for us at the office, made plans to take off the week immediately before our important fundraiser event.


Remember Colonel Sanders, the white-haired, string-tied elderly gentleman who had presided over Boss’ and Zilla’s chaotic nuptials last fall? Their “vacation” was a jaunt to his coop, errr… home, several states away.


This choice of timing, location and extenuating circumstance for their first family trip spoke volumes. Isn’t it hard to believe that Zilla, who hadn’t even been willing to venture into our small office with little Izzy, was nonetheless willing to pack up and abscond with him over a thousand miles away to uncertain rustic accommodations provided by folks who are virtual strangers to her? Boss has long considered the Colonel his most esteemed mentor – one of the only living persons whose advice Boss will follow without question. For months, it had been painfully apparent that married life was NOTHING Boss expected, and we could presume that Zilla was just as shellshocked. Educated guesses by members of the staff concluded that Boss and Zilla were headed to points remote for a little R&R, with a jumbo order of marriage counseling, on the side.


In other words, I think they were desperate for some help. As an added bonus, Colonel lives far away. Locally, no one would ever have to know that Boss had felt it necessary to humble himself and ask for counseling.


Off they drove, on a weekend morning. VP conveyed a report early Monday that the little family had safely arrived and were settling in for a time of repose and revitalization. The tranquility was maintained but briefly. A few hours into their stay, the telephone rang. Colonel Sander’s daughter dropped dead of a heart attack in a nearby town. I felt genuinely sorry for everyone. Poor Colonel and his wife, who had evidently generously invited a forlorn couple to their home for a time of refreshment, now suddenly cast into the throes of grief. Poor Boss & Zilla, whose heartbreaking plea for hope would now go unanswered.


None of us got many specifics, but I could fill in the blanks. Zilla would have been highly annoyed that it was no longer about her, even though common sense dictated that she be compassionate and consoling. Boss would shift into rescuer mode, consider himself the supernaturally provided fulfillment of the family’s need for solace, and proceed talk the ears off of anyone who would stand still for him. Zilla would consequently be put off that once again, Boss appeared to be paying attention to everyone but her, on HER vacation. Boss would be distressed and dismayed at Zilla’s reaction, but under the stress of pleasing his mentor, wouldn’t have much time to deal with his wife’s attitude, except for a few brusque, edgy appeasements. Feeling ignored and underappreciated, Zilla would retreat into the most inconspicuous location, probably the room they’d been assigned, and decline to venture out until their departure.


Is that really what happened? Who knows? All I can verify is that, at some point, the “vacation” morphed into a “business trip.” The fuel that I would have assumed should have been paid for with their personal resources somehow ended up being charged to the corporate account. There was only one final mention of the word “vacation” upon their return, as in, “It certainly wasn’t the rest and relaxation you would expect on a vacation.” Which, to me, indicated that even though it wasn’t what they had anticipated, it still WAS a vacation. Right??


I soon noticed the out-of-state gas station charges appearing on our corporate account. Maybe Boss had absent-mindedly used his business card instead of his personal card? I made note of it and passed the info on to Veep so he could confirm. Was it a vacation, or was that a business trip? Boss spied my note to Veep and went through the ROOF.


“Do you really think that was a VACATION??? We ENCOURAGED people there (okay, somebody DIED, and you just happened to be there, pal ), and we took a side trip to another city to see a site that is relevant to our organization (loosely relevant, very loosely ), and made lots of good connections (which means that he talked even MORE people’s ears off ) and we stopped on the way home to make arrangements for a musician for an upcoming event! (who besides being able to sing, also has a free guest bedroom! Oh, and who's WE???? Do you really expect us to believe that Zilla was a PARTICIPANT? Cause we haven't any reason to believe she has an altruistic bone in her body.)”


So, I guess the moral of the story is, if you happen to be on vacation and things don’t go as planned, you can real quick call it a “business trip” instead, charge it to your company, and avoid having to pay for it yourself. Save YOUR money for a vacation that meets your expectations. Good to know. And just in case you’re wondering, because he is the CEO and because he DID conduct some "business" on the trip, the board will approve the expenses without a blink. Grrrrrr…


You know what? Eighteen months ago, this would NOT have happened. Boss wouldn't even have SUGGESTED it. The combined stress of Zilla, those huge medical bills, the fussy newborn, scarce personal finances -- and yet STILL needing covert marital counseling after all that futile effort must have driven Boss to desperation.


Ultimately, the day of the major event dawned. We weren’t ready for it, and we knew it, due to Boss’ inopportune absence. We’d depended on him to make some key connections, and as we drew nearer the event, it was discovered that he hadn’t had time to make the contacts we had counted on him to make. The occasion was to begin at 1 p.m. At 11:30 a.m., Boss called from the state line. He was going to drop Zilla and Izzy off at their home, shower, change clothes, and be there shortly before the event began.


I know Boss isn’t stupid, but his time management skills are just not in touch with reality. What were they riding? A magic carpet? Zilla’s broom? I rolled my eyes, BIG TIME. Where were they? State line. BOZO NICKELS!!!! Even if they drove STRAIGHT to the event with no stops ANYWHERE, it would still take no less than two hours to get here from there. (And it isn’t as if Boss isn’t familiar with the travel time. He’s done that route many times.)


I surreptitiously predicted Boss’ arrival to be no earlier than 1:30 p.m. (half an hour after the proposed start, which incidentally, would make us all look like idiots ), with Zilla and Izzy still glued to the seats, because there was no WAY he’d have time for that detour, let alone attend to personal hygiene. Goofball.


Ding! Ding! Ding! And the contestant who guessed closest to the actual time of Boss’ arrival, without going over, and also correctly predicted the exact identities of occupants of the vehicle is……..Ellen!!!


So what do I win? Hopefully, a new job? Stay tuned.